SOMETHING USEFUL IN EVERY ARTICLE
dating advice you can use tonight.
Here’s the scene: you’re at your favorite taco spot with some cutie you just met. A few feet away, a waiter clearing a table accidentally knocks a glass off the edge. Before it can hit the ground, his arm shoots out and catches it, pure reflex, like he’s Master Splinter. He looks down at his own hand like he can’t believe what just happened.
You both saw it. Your eyes meet. Neither of you says anything yet.
That two second window is worth more than the last twenty minutes of conversation you just had.
Why That Window Matters More Than Small Talk
There’s a name for what almost just happened between you two, and once you see it, you’ll notice it everywhere. It’s called a “We Joke.” (I like to pronounce it “Weeeeee!”) Spot a small, weird, or slightly annoying shared moment in the first few minutes with someone, then bring it back up later. Simple as that.
Here’s why it works on a level neither of you controls. When your brain recognizes a pattern, especially a private one only you and one other person share, it rewards itself with a small hit of endorphins. That hit gets tagged to whoever helped you notice the pattern in the first place. You both just won a game of endorphin tag. Noice! But it gets better…
Bring the reference back a second time, and the brain fires the reward again. A third time, and the person across from you isn’t a stranger anymore. They’re someone who already has an inside joke with you that nobody else in the room gets.
Building the Pillow Fort
Inside jokes are the foundation of every long relationship you’ve ever had. Best friends have them. Couples fifteen years in still have them. The only difference is those normally take months to build. You can build the same thing with a total stranger in five minutes. I call it a Pillow Fort: a private little world where only the two of you understand the reference. The second it exists, everyone else standing around you, including the guy with the lightning fast reflexes, is standing outside of it.
Here’s exactly how to build one:
Spot it. Something small, weird, or slightly annoying happening near you both in the first five - ten minutes. A bad song, a spilled drink, a bartender with an unfortunate mustache. It doesn’t need to be funny on its own.
Name it. Give it a ridiculous label out loud, together. “Okay, that’s officially the Duke of Mustache.”
Advanced: You can add onto it to make it even more memorable and more real. “He goes by `Stache to his close friends.“ or “His full title is His Royal Thickness, Saver of Crumbs, Duke of Mustache“ (think of Ted and Robin in How I Met Your Mother.. they have a lot of inside jokes like this...”Major Buzzkill” anyone?)
3. Callback it. Ten or fifteen minutes later, in a completely unrelated part of the conversation, bring it back. “Careful, don’t let the Duke hear you say that.“
4. Lock it in. Reference it once more before the night ends, ideally as you’re saying goodbye. “Don’t tell anyone else about the Duke of Mustache. I’m pretty sure he is in Witness Protection and we don’t want to blow his cover.“
(Small tangent: I’ve used a version of this with baristas, Uber drivers, and one memorable IKEA employee. It’s not just a dating move. It’s just how private jokes get born between any two people, on any timeline.)
By the third callback, you’re not a stranger anymore. You’re the person who’s already inside a joke with them that nobody else gets.
Your Mission This Week
Next time you’re out, whether it’s a date, a coffee shop, or standing in line somewhere, find one small, weird, mildly annoying thing happening near you and someone else. Name it out loud together. Bring it back up twice before you two part ways.
Keep the bar low. One weird moment, named out loud, referenced twice. Nothing more complicated than that.
Go have some fun with this.
R. A. DePriest
P.S. Reply and tell me what your Pillow Fort ended up being called. I read every one.